Hold me now, I'm six feet from the edge.

I don't know what it was at first, maybe the childlike intrigue or interest, or maybe the reassurance or persistence. At first it was slightly comical, borderline annoying. But after a while it became comforting and expected, almost desired. It was like a slow flood. Slowly the waters rose, and slowly they eroded things that had been built over years and years, until before I knew it I was drowning...and sinking. And everything I had built around me was gone, but it wasn't the drowning that hurt, it was my struggle to breathe that caused the most pain. I could see it all, in slow motion, like in a dream. The old scars were still there, along with fresh wounds, but the walls were gone, the guards were destroyed and I was left vulnerable. And at that point all I could do was say to myself, "I told you so." But unlike in the good dreams where someone reaches out and pulls you up at the last second, or the water resides, I was alone, and I was sinking. And that reassurance, the persistence, well...It was gone. Just like that, in a heartbeat. Did it get bored? Did it lose interest? Did it find something else? Was it even real from the beginning? This I don't know, and I don't know if I should lie to myself and say it was real so I won't hate, or if I deserve something more than that. It's so hard to accept how things can change so quickly, but I guess its like the calm before the storm, like the saying, "all good things come to an end," or that it was simply to good to be true. Its crazy when you experience something to an extreme, good or bad, because you always think that it could never get any better or any worse, and no matter how hard you try, you can't imagine what it could possibly be like if it were better or worse. I guess to me I just don't understand how we can say things that mean so much, that are so serious, and then change our minds so quickly. But yet our society does it every day, from the simple words of I love you. I realize now that I had already jumped off of the cliff, expecting you to do the same, but I realized to late that you weren't...Yet I was already falling, and no one could save me. I can picture it in my mind now, the look on your face, the tears in your eyes, and I'll never forget the feeling in my stomach as I fell, slowly, but farther and farther, until you were just a small speck in the distance, a faint memory, a fading shadow. It was terrifying...I wanted to scream but nothing came out of my mouth, I wanted to climb back up but didn't have the strength nor the ability. Did I give up? No, but I accepted the fact that I could do nothing to change the situation, that nothing I said or did would give you the courage to jump, because once again, its a choice, and a choice that only you could make for yourself. Sometimes I still catch my mind wondering to those places, those memories that I've locked far away, deep down inside, sometimes it refreshing, but most times its just downright painful. But I still don't know whats more painful...the memories, or the fact that I know that you don't feel the same way that I do. The world that I always imagined, that I always wanted and dreamed of you gave me, but it was only between me and you, and because no one else could see that or accept it than it failed, because we all know that when we see something we can't have, we will stop at nothing to make sure that no one else gets it. Somehow you learned things about me that no one ever knew, you got me to say and do things that no one could accomplish, but at the end of the day, somehow you hurt me in ways that I never knew possible. It makes me wonder though, will I ever have those moments again? Will anyone's voice ever sound so comforting? Will a smile stop my heart the way your's did? Will my mind ever be at peace like it was when I fell asleep in your arms? I have to tell myself that it will, that someday I will experience all of those things, but on a much more powerful scale. But even by saying that, or thinking that, it feels as if I'm belittling those feelings, or downplaying them, or saying they weren't as strong as they really were. I'm surprised at how things change, and how roles can be reversed, and I take hope in praying that maybe you can think back to what it felt like then, for you, even though I still know that it won't change your mind. But, if you just walk away, what can I say? And would it matter, anyway?