To act broken is to break.

Sometimes we just need a change...Sometimes we just need something different. Something that ignites a spark in us, something that causes us to think 'outside' the box. I don't really understand much of anything. I know that I love music, and I know that I love to express my feelings through words, I know that I was always born to be a Marine and serve my country...And I know that upper most in my mind are sacrificing for the ones I love and serving others. The elite are not defined by what they wear on their collar or by how many awards or accolades they have. The elite are simply defined by what they do, the elite are the one's that will do what no one else will. Yet in a world so big, a world where we are so small and insignificant, where do we find our significance? Do we find it in something? In someone? or in what we do? Sometimes our answers lie in none of those things. Sometimes they lie inside of us...In what we believe. Its hard for me not to get deep, not to try and solve the worlds problems. However, I take peace in knowing that I won't...But that doesn't mean I can't try to understand them. The difference between solving problems and understanding them is that people will always change, as predictable humans can be, in the same manner we can be just as unpredictable. And because of that it is impossible to solve the worlds problems. All we can do is try our hardest to understand them, to figure out why they happen, and what causes people to do certain things. Its so easy to be consumed by our thoughts and how we feel, but what I've started to realize is that I will always be broken...Some wounds will never heal. And I can't control that, but what I can control is how I affect those wounds to influence my life. We can always find reasons to act broken, battered, and bruised. But if that's how we act, then all we will ever do is break, batter, and bruise.

Seeing who we are

I always wonder how the pieces fit into the puzzle, how does everything come together? Everything happens for a reason even though we don't always know what those reasons are. I've realized that I have tried to control everything single thing that goes on in my life, and because of that I have been miserable. I'm starting to understand what is worth controlling, and what is worth letting go. Life is horrible enough that we don't need to add to it. We can't control what happens to us, but we can control how we handle those situations. Whether we will let them eat away at us until we self destruct, or whether we will let them go and choose to fight another day. When we decide to not allow things to bother us it isn't us rolling over and giving up, it is us being smart enough to know when its appropriate to fight, and what is worth fighting for. Many times all we need is someone to listen, someone willing to hear us out and not try to tell us what to do. Our inability to get things out and communicate with other people allows those things to fester...to grow, and grow they do. Until they consume us and they rule our thoughts. In doing that we allow our lives to be destroyed by some of the simplest things. I will never understand why I do these things, all I know is that it is my responsibility to uphold safeguards and checks in my life that will help me recognize when I begin to do those things.

As much as it sucks at the time, we usually must hit rock bottom in order to find out who we really are, what we are made of, and what we really want. Because, until everything is stripped away, all of the distractions and  disruptions we will never see who we really are. Until we take ourselves to that place where it is just us and God, we won't be able to truly evaluate ourselves.
My relationship with my Savior hasn't always been perfect, and I know that it never will be, but in times of doubt or confusion I think back to my lonely nights in boot camp, where my Drill Instructors stripped away every individual characteristic that identified me, and all that was left was me and my God. In those 13 weeks I was able to look out and evaluate who I was, and who I wanted to be. It put me in a place where there were no distractions...It was only  me and God, and I was broken. Of all the things I expected to carry with me out of boot camp a stronger relationship with my Lord was the last thing I anticipated.

I don't know what my future holds, but I know that Christ will never leave me nor forsake me, and I know that as long as I'm living in his word, than I am living in his will. I've never been so excited in my life about starting new things, a new job, new friends, new relationships, however, sometimes change is good, and anytime change was good, it most likely means it was necessary.

Wounds heal and mistakes are learned from.

I know that I've said this a lot, but mistakes are always there for us to learn from. Recently I've had a hard time accepting and understanding that. It truly is hard to comprehend something that we can't see. But we have to take it step by step, word by word, chapter by chapter, decision by decision. To many times we try to jump all in, and in doing that we drown ourselves and sink to the bottom. I got to the point in my life where I began to resent things around me, because of the people I was around...and worse than that I was causing them to do the same thing. In doing so I brought to life that old adage, "misery loves company." It wasn't something that was done on purpose, or something that was intentional. Unfortunately it just happened, and before anyone saw it, or felt it, it was spiraling out of control. The consequences for these things, for the decisions we make will live on for forever, but that doesn't mean its the end of the world. There are things that will never change, we will always question God. We will always want to know the who, what, when, where, how, and why. But sometimes, we have to go through the struggle all of those things before we can get to the why. Sadly for us, that entails the pain, the hurt, the regret, and the sorrow. Yet, fortunately for us we are blessed with the opportunity to trade those things in for something real. For something genuine. From the outside looking in it is always easier to justify the bruises and the wounds, and hindsight will always be 20/20. However, here is where we begin to make those small decisions, and take those small steps. It's hard to forgive, partially because we want justification against the people who have hurt us, but also because it is a way for us to control our lives. And by letting go of that burden, we allow our "control" to slip even more. But if we can never forgive, we can never move on. Forgiveness doesn't mean we admit someone else is right, it doesn't mean that they are no longer responsible for what they've done, it simply means that we have recognized that only God can judge them for what they have done, and that when we look at them we will be able to see who they are, not what they have done to us. Today we live in a world that encourages revenge, and justifies expressing our feelings despite how they will affect those around us. We've been taught to care nothing about someone else's feelings, but to expect them to care everything about ours. There are many things that I have done in my life that I wish I hadn't. There are many decisions I've made that have affected and hurt people around me that I care about. However, I know that all of those decisions, all of those mistakes have made me who I am today. I also know that for the rest of my life I will continue to make decisions like that, and because of that I realize that I will always find myself standing in the ruins of mistakes I have made. For now they might be small, they might be things that I can move on from, but knowing that there are mistakes out there that I can make that I won't be able to come back from make me realize all the more that I am only saved by God's grace. This year I have been given the greatest gift of all. I've been given the knowledge of a Savior that will forgive me for every mistake I make, today, tomorrow, and for eternity. Will it take me a while to get to that point where I make fewer mistakes, to the place in my life where I can fully let go and trust him to control my life? Yes. But I find peace right now in knowing that no matter what I do, he will never leave me.

2013 has been an interesting year. It has carried many hardships, lots of tears, some blood, a lot of sore muscles, and some very hard and hurtful lessons. But it has taught me that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to, and that I have people in my life that care about me that I can count on no matter what. Merry Christmas everyone, and Semper Fi.

I had to stay.

There are so many people that I want to tell to go to hell. So many people that I wish I could put in their place, make them understand exactly what they've done, and prove to them that they are wrong. But I guess that isn't my job to do, but it doesn't change the fact that I don't understand any of this. What is the point? What is the point in trying anything if I can't find joy in it? Everything is so predictable its sickening. Would it even be that good to wait? To search it out, does it really exist? Something different, something special, something worth all of the risk? I want it to be real, I want to dream and believe and I want to chase those dreams, but can they even come true? How far would I have to search, where would I have to go? Things would be so much easier if I didn't want the answer for everything. But how can we go on...How can we continue on like this, with all of the pain, all of the heartache. How can people continue to live, or even have the hope to live? All we ever want are the answers, and many of them we will never find, but does that mean that we just give up looking. Does that mean that we let it all go? Time and time again I've poured myself into things and people, I've given it everything I had to give, and time and time again I'm left alone, empty handed. Simply a shell of who I used to be. I don't know where to go, or what to do. Am I lost? Or am I just afraid? If I cried out, would anyone hear me? Would anyone help me?

What will you do the second time around?

How many times are we given a second chance? How many times can we give out second chances? Is there a difference between mercy and second chances? No one deserves either, or both. So why should we take or accept something that we don't deserve? Will I ever figure this stuff out? Will I ever know...Or will I ever at least have someone that will understand what I'm trying to say? Or why I think the way I do?
I don't want to solve life's problems...But they trouble me. They haunt me. These things that run around in my mind never rest, they never stop. The tragedies, horrors of life, overwhelm the positives...The miracles. I wish I could forget about them, and let them go, but someday I know they will be the one thing that differentiates me from everyone else, they will be the one thing that allows me to survive when no one else can. Sometimes we have to stand up, we have to rise above everything that is happening around us, we have to be resilient. When everything around us comes crashing down we must be able to stand strong, to stand firm. Who are we if we can't stand for ourselves...? Then we are nothing. We cannot allow ourselves to be rendered powerless by our inability to remain firm and resolved. Its rather simple really, its just a matter of knowing what you believe, and standing by it no matter what. It won't be easy, and many times you will find yourself alone. But the beauty in it is that you will know who you are, you will be confident in the decisions that you make. You will feel strong, empowered, and from then on you will be encouraged to do what you know is the right thing. Because from ashes we can only rise, and that's what we must do. Rise and rise again. Mistakes are only to be learned from, they are only opportunities to arm ourselves with more powerful weapons, with wisdom that can carry us forward for eternity. But if we don't learn from the mistakes we make, if we don't accept the hard lessons, if we allow our weaknesses to perpetrate who we are and what we do then we will find ourselves surrounded, yet we will be alone. We will realize that we have fallen for everything, because we stood for nothing. These are the things that we must to do be resilient, these are the things that we must do to stand firm, tall, proud. In doing these things we allow ourselves to be beacons, glimpses, shimmers of hope. We will not allow ourselves to be drug down by those around us, we will not be tricked into thinking that we are powerless. Our actions matter, our voice matters...And one day they will hear us, they will see us.

Going home

Everyone wants to go home...everyone searches for home, some find it, but some of us spend forever searching for that place to call home. That place that feels comfortable, safe, and peaceful. For some people that could be anywhere, any  place that allows them to be themselves, to fully express who they are, and most importantly who they want to be. Its a magical thing watching people grow, change, and adapt to the things that life throws at us. Many of my friends would say that God is in complete control and that everything happens for a reason, and just to trust him. I know that everything happens for a reason, there is no such thing a coincidence, but what is the point of all of us? In life we do so many things simply because other people do them, or because they are "cool". No one can just be themselves anymore, we all spend countless hours searching for our identity in someone else or something else. Instead of allowing who we are to identify us, we have  to be controlled by something else or someone else. So I'll ask you now, can you stand up for yourself? Can you find your identity in something other than someone...or something. Can you find your identity in who YOU are. Can you break free of all of this nonsense, of all of this mediocre sadness, all of this royal pathetic-ism??? Who will you be? What will you allow to define you. Can you stand up for what you want, for what you believe?! So many times we sit back, we allow ourselves to be controlled by our situation, or the people that screw us over. We cant allow the negativity in our lives to define who we are or what we want. So will this be you going home? Will you allow home to be where you are? Home isn't where we want to be, or where we are going... Home is where we are right now, in this very moment, because in an instant this can all change, and home will be gone. We have to fight for what we want and for who we are.

Light?

The dissolution is unmistakable. Is there any joy in the future? Or only in the past? This world is so lost in its Gotham type madness that even Batman couldn't save us...Yet still we look to the darkness for light, as one who looks at a desert for water. Where there is darkness there is no light, and where there is light there is no darkness. So what is it in our human nature that forces us look towards darkness for salvation, for hope. Its as if we prefer to walk to and fro with our heads hung, as if we are looking for reasons to be miserable, or ashamed, or destitute. In a way I guess the answer is simple. We are nothing...we are worthless without a savior. Yet, we were created in the image of that same said savior, so just how worthless are we? Maybe its a easy as where we lay our foundation, or with whom we lay it with, or maybe there is more. Will we ever know? I think to many times we use the argument that we are inherently sinful in order to make excuses for things that we do. "Oh I couldn't help it, its just natural for me to sin." But we can't let that be a reason why we do certain things. We were created in the image of the God who created the universe. In the image of the ever present King of Kings who can cause the lame to walk, the blind to see, and raise the dead to life. So what power then does sin have over us? When Christ was beaten and executed for our sins, what chains now hold us? We are fighting a war that has already been won, and were on the winning side. Yet we continue to allow ourselves to be struck down, we continue to despair, blaming our sins on everything but what is truly responsible. We don't sin because its our nature or because we don't know any better...We sin because we like it, plain and simple. We will never be perfect like our God, but we were created in the image of perfection, and through that we can be more powerful than we ever realized. With Christ living in us we are the light in the darkness, we are angels among demons, we are Christ among the Christless. Although we will never be as Christ, or Christ himself, we are Christlike, and so called to exemplify him throughout our thoughts and actions. If don't fulfill our purpose here on earth then we will always be empty, the void will never be filled. If we drink of Christ then we will never thirst again, but that doesn't mean just accepting him as our Lord and Savior. That means fulfilling our purpose here on the earth, and our purpose as vessels of Christ is to be the light among the darkness. To go where others wouldn't dare, knowing that he is with us always. Christ didn't call us to follow him from our bedrooms, or behind closed doors. Christ called us to follow him for everyone to see, Christ calls us to make a statement, a statement of faith, one of resolution and determination that says that no matter what comes our way we will not allow our candle to be snuffed out, that our light shall burn forever true as a beacon of hope for those around us.

Who?

In life the hardest thing to accept, but the thing that will make your life the easiest is that no one cares. Even the people that say they care, they really don't. Anyone can say they care, but very few will actually show it, and the longer you sit around and try and convince someone that they should care, the more time you waste. You can't make someone care, if they don't want to do what it takes then nothing in this world will ever convince them otherwise, and the quicker you can accept that, the quicker you can move on with your life. Does it make it not hurt? No. Does it solve all of your problems? No. But it takes away the false hope, the misplaced expectations, and the bitterness of always giving and never receiving. It's almost as I write this that I'm trying to convince myself this is true...I know no one will ever read this anyways so it really doesn't matter. But the truth is that there is only one person that won't let you down, and that's Jesus Christ. Knowing that you just have to find someone who knows they will mess up, who knows you will mess up, and will be willing to mess up with you, and never doubt you or who you are. Someone who believes that service comes before self, and that sacrifice brings blessing.

Prison

With silver swords of fire they allow no evil to pass, but allow all to enter. They are mighty warriors...They are our guardians. His angels, sent to watch over us. I can hear them, they scream out my name. I hear the scratching of their claws on the roof as they try so desperately to get in. BUt to no avail. Im safe, I'm secure, Im here, in his arms. I see the hard part ahead, I still feel the pain...I still feel the burdens. Even though my demons are locked out I have to drop my burdens at his feet. You see, no matter how long I'm here, or how many times I come, nothing will make those burdens disappear except me choosing to drop them at the cross. But every time I try and speak my mouth goes dry... I hesitate, I rethink my plan. I want them gone, but can I humble myself enough to do that, Im right at the edge, my mind is on the verge, and at the last moment I find the courage to speak. I've said the words before, and so I say them again. As I will for forever, as I pulled back my flesh to reveal my slow beating, blackened heart, I felt his hand touch my chin and gently life my head. I felt the warmth of his loving gaze, and the searing power resonating through his finger tips. they shocked my skin ever so slightly, and in that moment I knew that I was his, and that I was forgiven. That emptiness that I had tried so desperately to fill with idols and demons was gone and I was made whole...In that moment I was made new. Yet with this new found forgiveness they didn't go away. I could still sense their evil presence outside of his walls. So I bowed before him and felt the steel of his blade on my shoulders and suddenly I felt a burning pain in my chest and looked down to see his name burned on my heart.

And I felt the tremble in my soul, I looked up on clouds of thunder and saw them. Riding horses of pure silver, I dropped my shovel in fear. I begged them to see...I cried out that they might open their eyes and see the war before them. My requests were rejected, I turned to run, no idea where, but I had to get away. Every where I looked they followed me, their eyes of dark fire burning in my soul. I raced through the rain soaked woods, over the old mill bridge I stopped, out of breath. I looked left and right, my eyes frantically searching for any sign, any shadow.Then suddenly I was back, shovel in hand. I looked down at my hands, stained brown from weed sap. I could see the world before me, in flashes of light, as if in a dream. I slowly raised my eyes, the clouds were darkening over head, yet they were still there, riding to and fro, their horses shimmered in the light, their scarlet capes flapped with the wing. Their riding was far from frantic, no, it was deliberate. A battle was brewing, and I knew I'd be the only one to see it.

Maybe it was the lights, or the heat, but the sanctuary was rejecting my soul. I was at a constant argument between spirit and body. I didnt want to be here, but it was sunday. Was I fulfilling an obligation, or my hearts desire? the pastors words fell loosely on my ears, my mind was somewhere between work and baseball. I looked up in time to see the pastors eye on me as he said, "this is the will of God, that by doing good you may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men." I looked away quickly, he couldn't know...could he? What was wrong with me I thought...Why me!? Why now!? I didnt want to leave the church, I knew what waited for me outside. I could smell the darkness smouldering and growing stronger day by day. There was no relief outside of the church, I carried it everywhere, they were everywhere. here I was again, sweat dripping down my face, dirt caked in the creases of my arms as I moved shovel after shovel. My mind drifted back and fourth, I was as close to peace as I could get outside of the sanctuary. Yet it still lingered, like it always did, or nawed, slowly taking over my brain. Some days the pain was worse, others it remained tolerable, but there voices followed me everywhere, some haunting , some daunting. I shook my head, returning to my reality at hand, "this dirt wont move itself," I said. I set my mind to work ignoring the voices as best I could, simply trying to accomplish my tasks. With each strike of the shovel I could feel it building up inside of me. It was boiling, growing, till suddenly I threw my shovel down in anger. I cried out and fell to my knees. My eyes traced the ground until my gaze was skyward, "why!?" I screamed. I frantically clawed at my shirt, and  begged him to take it away, but he didn't answer. I was exhausted, tears rolled down my cheeks. Tears of pain, tears of anger, tears for them...They had no idea what kind of terror was soon to come. I got cleaned up just enough so I could comfortably take a nap. My eyes closed and my breathing slowed as I fell into a deep sleep. I heard a trumpet, loud and magnificent, near, but I could see nothing. Till suddenly I was swept up, it seems like wing as it carried me, we were out over the ocean, racing at speeds faster than any man could imagine, and suddenly we went up, and I watched as the earth vanished into a blue circle. Planets and stars flew by, we began to slow, I looked behind me and could see the whole universe. I was surrounded by darkness, I heard another trumpet, this one farther away. Without warning the darkness below me started to break and a red fiery light shined through, and thats when I heard them. It started as a distant shriek, almost a wail. The pain that the noise carried was haunting, as it grew louder the chasm opened wider and I started falling. My arms flailed about, the screaming got louder, I could feel my skin burning. I sat up suddenly, drenched in sweat and shaking. I looked around my room, the dull glow from my computer faintly lit up one corner, the whirl of my fan kept the silence at bay. Almost on Que the shadows started to move, ever so slightly at first, and then faster, quicker, darting back and forth, I could barely begin to make out shapes as the inched closer to my bed. Suddenly they enveloped me, I could hear their whispers, some were cries for help, others were pleas for mercy. What was a dream, and what was reality? Could I continue on like this? How did he expect me to carry this weight? they tore at my sould, I had to get out, I had to get away. I grabbed my bible and ran out the door down the street. Before I knew it I was on the old dirt path, running through the pines. Wherever there were shadows they were there. Only the strong ones dared the light. I ran faster, pushing my stride out. Sweat poured off my body, they lept from tree to tree leaving behind a charred trail. everything they touched turned to ash. They were nothing but destruction. I didn't know where I was going, nor did I care. I had to confront them, but I wanted it to be at my choosing. I slowed my pace to a jog, I could hear them catching up, they were like a school of sharks, and I was the blood. "come to us,"they cried, "you won't survive, give up now."One taunted. I stopped and spun around, facing them head on, I clenched my fists for the impact that I knew was coming. I could see the fire in their eyes. They circled me, surrounding me with their darkness. I looked toward heaven and let out a deep cry...there was no answer, I could feel the sharp pain as they sunk their claws into me. One by one. I fell to my knees, the pain was to much, breath by breath their evil overcame my soul, blackness encircled me until I could see no more. My mind went blank, I felt my face hit the damp pine needles, and then I was out.

Worthy

I had awoken at last, the clock on my nightstand read 7:21, I couldn't remember getting in bed...Much less how I got home. My memory was a smoky haze of flashes of light, and my clothes smelled like sulfur. I stumbled into my kitchen, only to find it a mess, as usual. Between the nightmares and visions the last thing I was worried about was cleaning. As my eyes searched the countertop for a clean glass I noticed something I hadn't seen before, on the corner of my island was a small leather notepad. I curiously reached for it and folded back the cover, the front page read, "surely I am coming quickly." I quickly flipped to the next page, it was blank, as were all the others. Were had this book came from? Why were the pages blank?
I ate a bowl of cereal in a rush, and ran out my front door, the clouds were getting bigger, darker. I had to go back to the church, I had to get some kind of clarity. I jumped on my bike and headed down the road, it was awkwardly quiet for a Tuesday morning. I cruised into the parking lot, relieved that no one was there so that I could think in peace. The old wooden floor creaked and groaned as I stepped into the sanctuary. The walls were lined with pews, the windows had painted glass of different bible scenes, and behind the pulpit was a large cross, as I shut the door I exhaled slowly, it felt good to be somewhere safe, away from it all.
I fell to my knees in an exhausted slump, my heart was heavy, my mind was weary, and my shoulders heaped forward from the weight. I stared up at the cross, unable to find words, I imagined what it was like, how it felt. My body jolted, I could see it, my hands felt warm, I looked down to seem them covered in blood, my wrists began to burn, I gasped for breath. What was happening!? There it was again, I could see him, on the cross, his breathing was labored, blood dripped and oozed from his wounds, his face showed pain and sorrow, but his eyes read resolve. I watched mortified as a shadowy figure arose and walked slowly forward, my vision faded in and out, but I stayed focused on the cross, the figure bent down to pick something up, and then with a sudden movement pierced the side of the man on the cross. I screamed in pain, my vision faded clouded, in my head I could hear his voice, desperately, but with determination he cried out, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.” At this moment I could see the darkness begin to crumble away, I heard trumpets in the distance mixed with valiant war cries, and then it was gone. I looked around the sanctuary, I was still alone. I felt exhausted, my hands were shaking uncontrollably and my clothes were drenched with sweat. I wanted to ask myself what this meant, but deep down inside I knew the answer. I remembered the leather notepad I had put in the back pocket of my pants, I reached  and pulled it out. The first page still read, "surely I am coming quickly," I turned it to the second page, expecting to find it blank, much to my surprise it now read, "Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels, numbering thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand. They encircled the throne and the living creatures and the elders. 12 In a loud voice they were saying:" “Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain,
to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise!”