Who?

In life the hardest thing to accept, but the thing that will make your life the easiest is that no one cares. Even the people that say they care, they really don't. Anyone can say they care, but very few will actually show it, and the longer you sit around and try and convince someone that they should care, the more time you waste. You can't make someone care, if they don't want to do what it takes then nothing in this world will ever convince them otherwise, and the quicker you can accept that, the quicker you can move on with your life. Does it make it not hurt? No. Does it solve all of your problems? No. But it takes away the false hope, the misplaced expectations, and the bitterness of always giving and never receiving. It's almost as I write this that I'm trying to convince myself this is true...I know no one will ever read this anyways so it really doesn't matter. But the truth is that there is only one person that won't let you down, and that's Jesus Christ. Knowing that you just have to find someone who knows they will mess up, who knows you will mess up, and will be willing to mess up with you, and never doubt you or who you are. Someone who believes that service comes before self, and that sacrifice brings blessing.

Prison

With silver swords of fire they allow no evil to pass, but allow all to enter. They are mighty warriors...They are our guardians. His angels, sent to watch over us. I can hear them, they scream out my name. I hear the scratching of their claws on the roof as they try so desperately to get in. BUt to no avail. Im safe, I'm secure, Im here, in his arms. I see the hard part ahead, I still feel the pain...I still feel the burdens. Even though my demons are locked out I have to drop my burdens at his feet. You see, no matter how long I'm here, or how many times I come, nothing will make those burdens disappear except me choosing to drop them at the cross. But every time I try and speak my mouth goes dry... I hesitate, I rethink my plan. I want them gone, but can I humble myself enough to do that, Im right at the edge, my mind is on the verge, and at the last moment I find the courage to speak. I've said the words before, and so I say them again. As I will for forever, as I pulled back my flesh to reveal my slow beating, blackened heart, I felt his hand touch my chin and gently life my head. I felt the warmth of his loving gaze, and the searing power resonating through his finger tips. they shocked my skin ever so slightly, and in that moment I knew that I was his, and that I was forgiven. That emptiness that I had tried so desperately to fill with idols and demons was gone and I was made whole...In that moment I was made new. Yet with this new found forgiveness they didn't go away. I could still sense their evil presence outside of his walls. So I bowed before him and felt the steel of his blade on my shoulders and suddenly I felt a burning pain in my chest and looked down to see his name burned on my heart.

And I felt the tremble in my soul, I looked up on clouds of thunder and saw them. Riding horses of pure silver, I dropped my shovel in fear. I begged them to see...I cried out that they might open their eyes and see the war before them. My requests were rejected, I turned to run, no idea where, but I had to get away. Every where I looked they followed me, their eyes of dark fire burning in my soul. I raced through the rain soaked woods, over the old mill bridge I stopped, out of breath. I looked left and right, my eyes frantically searching for any sign, any shadow.Then suddenly I was back, shovel in hand. I looked down at my hands, stained brown from weed sap. I could see the world before me, in flashes of light, as if in a dream. I slowly raised my eyes, the clouds were darkening over head, yet they were still there, riding to and fro, their horses shimmered in the light, their scarlet capes flapped with the wing. Their riding was far from frantic, no, it was deliberate. A battle was brewing, and I knew I'd be the only one to see it.

Maybe it was the lights, or the heat, but the sanctuary was rejecting my soul. I was at a constant argument between spirit and body. I didnt want to be here, but it was sunday. Was I fulfilling an obligation, or my hearts desire? the pastors words fell loosely on my ears, my mind was somewhere between work and baseball. I looked up in time to see the pastors eye on me as he said, "this is the will of God, that by doing good you may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men." I looked away quickly, he couldn't know...could he? What was wrong with me I thought...Why me!? Why now!? I didnt want to leave the church, I knew what waited for me outside. I could smell the darkness smouldering and growing stronger day by day. There was no relief outside of the church, I carried it everywhere, they were everywhere. here I was again, sweat dripping down my face, dirt caked in the creases of my arms as I moved shovel after shovel. My mind drifted back and fourth, I was as close to peace as I could get outside of the sanctuary. Yet it still lingered, like it always did, or nawed, slowly taking over my brain. Some days the pain was worse, others it remained tolerable, but there voices followed me everywhere, some haunting , some daunting. I shook my head, returning to my reality at hand, "this dirt wont move itself," I said. I set my mind to work ignoring the voices as best I could, simply trying to accomplish my tasks. With each strike of the shovel I could feel it building up inside of me. It was boiling, growing, till suddenly I threw my shovel down in anger. I cried out and fell to my knees. My eyes traced the ground until my gaze was skyward, "why!?" I screamed. I frantically clawed at my shirt, and  begged him to take it away, but he didn't answer. I was exhausted, tears rolled down my cheeks. Tears of pain, tears of anger, tears for them...They had no idea what kind of terror was soon to come. I got cleaned up just enough so I could comfortably take a nap. My eyes closed and my breathing slowed as I fell into a deep sleep. I heard a trumpet, loud and magnificent, near, but I could see nothing. Till suddenly I was swept up, it seems like wing as it carried me, we were out over the ocean, racing at speeds faster than any man could imagine, and suddenly we went up, and I watched as the earth vanished into a blue circle. Planets and stars flew by, we began to slow, I looked behind me and could see the whole universe. I was surrounded by darkness, I heard another trumpet, this one farther away. Without warning the darkness below me started to break and a red fiery light shined through, and thats when I heard them. It started as a distant shriek, almost a wail. The pain that the noise carried was haunting, as it grew louder the chasm opened wider and I started falling. My arms flailed about, the screaming got louder, I could feel my skin burning. I sat up suddenly, drenched in sweat and shaking. I looked around my room, the dull glow from my computer faintly lit up one corner, the whirl of my fan kept the silence at bay. Almost on Que the shadows started to move, ever so slightly at first, and then faster, quicker, darting back and forth, I could barely begin to make out shapes as the inched closer to my bed. Suddenly they enveloped me, I could hear their whispers, some were cries for help, others were pleas for mercy. What was a dream, and what was reality? Could I continue on like this? How did he expect me to carry this weight? they tore at my sould, I had to get out, I had to get away. I grabbed my bible and ran out the door down the street. Before I knew it I was on the old dirt path, running through the pines. Wherever there were shadows they were there. Only the strong ones dared the light. I ran faster, pushing my stride out. Sweat poured off my body, they lept from tree to tree leaving behind a charred trail. everything they touched turned to ash. They were nothing but destruction. I didn't know where I was going, nor did I care. I had to confront them, but I wanted it to be at my choosing. I slowed my pace to a jog, I could hear them catching up, they were like a school of sharks, and I was the blood. "come to us,"they cried, "you won't survive, give up now."One taunted. I stopped and spun around, facing them head on, I clenched my fists for the impact that I knew was coming. I could see the fire in their eyes. They circled me, surrounding me with their darkness. I looked toward heaven and let out a deep cry...there was no answer, I could feel the sharp pain as they sunk their claws into me. One by one. I fell to my knees, the pain was to much, breath by breath their evil overcame my soul, blackness encircled me until I could see no more. My mind went blank, I felt my face hit the damp pine needles, and then I was out.

Worthy

I had awoken at last, the clock on my nightstand read 7:21, I couldn't remember getting in bed...Much less how I got home. My memory was a smoky haze of flashes of light, and my clothes smelled like sulfur. I stumbled into my kitchen, only to find it a mess, as usual. Between the nightmares and visions the last thing I was worried about was cleaning. As my eyes searched the countertop for a clean glass I noticed something I hadn't seen before, on the corner of my island was a small leather notepad. I curiously reached for it and folded back the cover, the front page read, "surely I am coming quickly." I quickly flipped to the next page, it was blank, as were all the others. Were had this book came from? Why were the pages blank?
I ate a bowl of cereal in a rush, and ran out my front door, the clouds were getting bigger, darker. I had to go back to the church, I had to get some kind of clarity. I jumped on my bike and headed down the road, it was awkwardly quiet for a Tuesday morning. I cruised into the parking lot, relieved that no one was there so that I could think in peace. The old wooden floor creaked and groaned as I stepped into the sanctuary. The walls were lined with pews, the windows had painted glass of different bible scenes, and behind the pulpit was a large cross, as I shut the door I exhaled slowly, it felt good to be somewhere safe, away from it all.
I fell to my knees in an exhausted slump, my heart was heavy, my mind was weary, and my shoulders heaped forward from the weight. I stared up at the cross, unable to find words, I imagined what it was like, how it felt. My body jolted, I could see it, my hands felt warm, I looked down to seem them covered in blood, my wrists began to burn, I gasped for breath. What was happening!? There it was again, I could see him, on the cross, his breathing was labored, blood dripped and oozed from his wounds, his face showed pain and sorrow, but his eyes read resolve. I watched mortified as a shadowy figure arose and walked slowly forward, my vision faded in and out, but I stayed focused on the cross, the figure bent down to pick something up, and then with a sudden movement pierced the side of the man on the cross. I screamed in pain, my vision faded clouded, in my head I could hear his voice, desperately, but with determination he cried out, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.” At this moment I could see the darkness begin to crumble away, I heard trumpets in the distance mixed with valiant war cries, and then it was gone. I looked around the sanctuary, I was still alone. I felt exhausted, my hands were shaking uncontrollably and my clothes were drenched with sweat. I wanted to ask myself what this meant, but deep down inside I knew the answer. I remembered the leather notepad I had put in the back pocket of my pants, I reached  and pulled it out. The first page still read, "surely I am coming quickly," I turned it to the second page, expecting to find it blank, much to my surprise it now read, "Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels, numbering thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand. They encircled the throne and the living creatures and the elders. 12 In a loud voice they were saying:" “Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain,
to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise!”