The Ledger.

If someone were to keep a ledger of sin we would all find our names inside. But if someone were to burn that ledger, nay, if someone were to erase every trace of our name from that ledger, and replace it with their own name, taking full responsibility and account for every sin each and every one of us has committed, therein  purging our existence of helplessness and providing us a path toward redemption what would we do? In writing this I may only speak for myself, and therefore I can tell you only what I would do, or should I say, what I have done. I've lived my life carelessly, allowing mistake after mistake to haunt who I am. I have allowed my nightmares in my past, to dictate who I am today. You see, I've allowed my guilt, yes that bitter feeling of worthlessness and pain, to control who I've become. Instead of accepting my shame before that ledger, and humbling myself to the point of acknowledgement, that I am worth the price that was paid for my name to be erased from that ledger. I've allowed that guilt to grow, to manifest itself inside of me, just as a cancerous cell attacks other cells, so have I allowed guilt to sweep through my veins like a poisonous venom. In doing so I've watched parts of my life turn to dust and fall away, I've watched as this demon of a feeling has sucked the joy from my soul, I've watched as it literally turned me against myself. Taking things I once used for good, and using them to destroy good. The worst part about this is that it isn't my guilt...It's guilt that was forgotten when my name was erased from that ledger. It is a mutated version of shame, my shame before the eraser of that ledger. What I'm trying to say is that guilt isn't from our maker, its not of the creator. Our guilt is a monster of the sinful destroyer, a tool, taken from what is good, and made into what is bad. But in our drunken self-righteous stupor, were lost. From the beginning of existence we have allowed this means of ruin to define us, even when all it would take is one simple act, one simple commitment  to eradicate the assassin of good. We fail to remember that it wasn't just an eraser, it was murder, the act that so quickly erased our names and accepted our blame. With every beating, with every cursing, every kick, and with each beat of the hammer our guilt was taken account of, with three piercing nails, with cry's ignored, our guilt was nailed to that board, and in doing so, our maker took every feeling of guilt, every judging thought, every sinful act against his temple, and laid them on the only thing of perfection to walk this earth, his Son. Through that price for eternity we were cleansed before God, made new in him, to be of him, not in sin.

Regrettably we forget this story of sacrifice, we choose to pretend that we are him, not, made by him. You see, we will never be perfect, and we will never have control over what happens to us no matter how much we think we are in control. But lucky for us are names aren't in that ledger, lucky for us, every day is new, every minute is new, every moment of every day is a new opportunity to humble ourselves before him, and acknowledge that he is the one creator, the eraser, our savior...

Direct my path

Some days I wish I could understand the difference between doing what I want, what I’m called to do, and what’s realistic. All I want is to do something meaningful, to feel needed, without the frivolity of it all, without the requirements, the restrictions. At what point does it become stupidity? At what point does faith turn in to blindness, or does it? I know there is no limit to what God can do, but is there a limit to how much we can trust him as human beings? I’m talking about the kind of trust that allows me to leave everything and follow him, the kind of trust that allows me to live without worrying about finances, jobs, everything. In my mind I live in a world where I can go and do and be whoever or whatever I want. One where nothing holds me back, where I can trust solely in God. But outside of my mind I live in a world where I am held back by people’s expectations, requirements, and opinions. Most days I just want to run away, live my own life, do my own thing, away from all of this nonsense, away from the world. Other days I live in a constant state of panic in a last ditch effort to try and understand my place in it all, to understand where I fit in. Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths.” I guess the answer lies in that verse, and this one, James 4:7, “Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” We will never see what is from God, until we submit ourselves to God and become of God, then he will direct our paths. It’s like trying to listen to the radio and watch the television at the same time. Matthew 6:24, “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.”

Writing

Sometimes my writing is the only thing that keeps me sane, I wish that I could figure out how to put everything in my mind on to paper. Sadly that isn't possible, but I suppose that is what makes writing so intriguing, it isn't easy, it takes practice, and lots of thought. But writing can be some mysterious...so mystical, so magical. Words have the power to change attitudes, persuade minds, depict history, and change history. I have always wondered what I would be like to just up and leave. To forget about everything and go on a journey, an adventure of sorts. In this century everything that we do has to be thought out, or logical. But why can't we just go do things for no reason at all. Why can't we just do things to do them?

The most beautiful thing about life is that everything, everyone, tells a story. Sometimes with their eyes, sometimes the clothes they wear, even the rhythm of their walk. These stories are what we pass on from generation to generation. Many times they are lessons learned, and lessons taught. Some of these stories are jovial, some sorrowful, but everyone has a story, and each person is waiting for their story to be told. Everyone just wants someone to believe in them. These adventures, as one could call them, come from every walk of life, and from every background, and just like a book they have a beginning, and an end. However, we have been given the gift of being able to write our own story, all beginning with the choices and decisions that we make. I don’t believe in fate. I believe that everything happens for a reason, sometimes our stories have tragic endings, sometimes they have tragic beginnings, but our stories, much like those of Hollywood, all carry a message. They all have a purpose, a reason why. For us that reason why is the reason that everything happens for a reason. Everything we do, everything we say, becomes words on paper, like a writer and his thoughts, they become words, hidden from the eye, unseen to many, but visible to a few. It doesn’t take a college education to see these stories, or to even be able to read them. What it takes is a heart of understanding, empathy, and passion. We are not the judges, we are not the jury, whether you believe in a higher power or not, what would give us the right to try, sentence, and convict another person? No, we are all equals, and as equals we are all entitled to the same basic rights, the same principles of freedom. So with that I challenge you to read people’s stories, to see where they are from, where they have been, and where they are going. We are all the same, we are on a journey, some near the end, some far away, but each with a story to be told. Life isn’t about everything being perfect, life is simply about living. It is about taking the opportunities that you have, and living them to the fullest. History is laced with tales of bravery, sacrifice, tragedy, and victory, but the real stories are the abstract ideas, the things we can’t touch, taste, or see; only the things we can feel. They are the passion, the commitment, the honor, the service. They are that feeling deep down in your heart that cannot be moved, they are resolved, resilient in more ways than one. If there was a way to avoid the mistakes, to live without the pain and the hurt, then I would be the first person to support it. But those mistakes we make… the pain that we feel, that is what makes us human, and keeps us who we are.  

"I will sing a new song to You, O God; on a harp of ten strings I will sing praises to You." Psalm 144:9

We cannot walk the line, we cannot have the best of both worlds. Following Christ must be a lifestyle, many times I like to look at it like playing a sport. A professional athlete is required to train, study, and work every day...the amount of time that they put in determines the results. "Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life." Galatians 6:7-8. Our spiritual life in many ways, is just like that of an athlete. The amount of time we put in, through prayer, meditation, praise, and exemplification of Christ determines the level of our relationship with God. God commands us to pick up the cross and follow him, he challenges us, clearly stating that life will be difficult, that we will face trials, temptations, and tribulation. But what we are doing is storing up for eternity. "For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:17-18. We must live for God, in everything we say and do. The bible can be one of the most complicated books ever written, but we have to just take it as it is written. If we always look for a way around things, if we always ask ourselves, "what did God really mean?" Then we will always find an excuse, or a reason to argue. God did not command us to overanalyze his word, he did not command us to pick apart every sentence and the context of every word within the sentence. God commanded us, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his live will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it." Luke 9:23-24. Notice that he doesn't say take up his cross when he feels like it, Jesus clearly says daily...every morning we wake up we face the challenge, do we want to live for us? Or do we want to live for Christ? Are we willing to deny ourselves and follow him, daily? Are we willing to lose our lives in order to save it in Christ? Jesus poured out his blood on Calvary. He made the ultimate sacrifice, he allowed himself to be beaten, whipped, brutalized, and nailed to a tree to cover our sins, past, present, and future.

"The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace." Exodus 14:14

People change, all the time. Good, bad, sometimes indifferent, but change occurs every second of every day. I know that I don't understand life, I know that I don't have a slightest idea compared to God, but I know that as a Christian I have a responsibility to Christ, and I know that God outlines that within the bible. "But indeed for this purpose I have raised you up, that I may show My power in you, and that My name may be declared in all the earth." Exodus 9:16. Christians have a responsibility to God and others just as government officials have a responsibility to look out for the people. We cannot allow our view of Christians, or anyone for that matter, to be tainted by the bad sheep. Every group, every organization or body of people has someone that they do not wish to be associated with, someone that threatens to ruin reputations and burn bridges. I apologize if I lose some of you who do not believe in God on this one.

"Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren." Romans 8:27-29. Although we won't always know what God's purpose for us is, we know that all things WILL work together for good. God has purposed us to follow him, he will fight for us, he will raise us up that he may show his power within us, for all to see. Even if you have the slightest belief in God you must understand that, "Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39 Nothing in this world can separate us from God except for ourselves.

Doing Something Great

Great things define legacy, legacies define memories, memories defines history, and history defines the future. Everyone wants to do something great, the difference is the motive, the attitude behind the desire. Great things never come easy, they are never simple, just as doing the right thing is never easy. Sometimes the greatest things we will ever do will be the most complex tasks we encounter, sometimes the hardest decisions we make, will be the most right decisions we will ever make. In writing things like this it is not an easy thing to not come across as a bible beater or "prude." However, the only way to tell the truth is to tell it strait forward, and yes, many times it will be laced and engraved with personal bias and opinions, but the important thing is being able to pick through that personal mark and find the real, hardcore stuff. When breaking down the bible it has to be looked at as a history book, I can't sit here and provide you with tangible facts about God that you can see, the bible is a history book of faith. But when you look at it from that view, you realize that it is the foundation for Christianity, and that at some point someone was faced with the same choice that you are faced with now, to believe, or not to believe. The bible specifically outlines many examples where those individuals made different decisions, and it provides the consequences for those choices. For me its just been something that I have always believed, my trust in God has been something that has just always been there, but my faith, however, has not. I wish that I could put all of this in a way that you could understand, but I know I won't, I just hope that in some way you are able to decipher this into something that is halfway understandable. As a Christian I never really imagined or took into account what it would be like for God the Father to watch his son be beaten, mocked, and crucified. It never crossed my mind that there was another way to view the crucifixion of Christ...But there is, through God's eyes.

The Beginning

So I've pretty much figured out by now that no one is ever going to read this...at least not anytime soon. But maybe it will act somewhat as journal for me, or at least be a venue for me to get my thoughts out. These last two weeks have been incredible within my walk with Christ. On April 1st I broke up with my girlfriend of six months. It wasn't easy by any means, but I was comforted in knowing that it was what God was telling me to do. My whole life I have been begging to hear him, to be able to actually make a decision based on what God was telling me. But until this point in my life I was never able to hear him.
One day when I was listening to Richard Ellis online http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/richard-ellis-radio/listen/the-final-foe-262563.html. I heard him quote James 4:7-8 "Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double minded." This verse made me realize why I could never hear God, why I always felt close to him, but yet so far away. I knew at that point that this whole time I had been telling the devil to flee from me, but I hadn't been submitting myself to God. I realized that it was like trying to make lemonade without lemons, I knew that I could mix water and sugar together as much as I wanted but if I never went and got lemons, and squeezed them into the water, I would never have lemonade. As it says in James 3:2 "For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body." From that I knew that I would never be perfect, I know that I will stumble every day. But I realize that I have to allow God to control every single aspect of my life. Until that point where I submit myself to him, the devil will not flee from me.

Pray without ceasing

http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/richard-ellis-radio/player/pray-like-hell-219712.html