To act broken is to break.

Sometimes we just need a change...Sometimes we just need something different. Something that ignites a spark in us, something that causes us to think 'outside' the box. I don't really understand much of anything. I know that I love music, and I know that I love to express my feelings through words, I know that I was always born to be a Marine and serve my country...And I know that upper most in my mind are sacrificing for the ones I love and serving others. The elite are not defined by what they wear on their collar or by how many awards or accolades they have. The elite are simply defined by what they do, the elite are the one's that will do what no one else will. Yet in a world so big, a world where we are so small and insignificant, where do we find our significance? Do we find it in something? In someone? or in what we do? Sometimes our answers lie in none of those things. Sometimes they lie inside of us...In what we believe. Its hard for me not to get deep, not to try and solve the worlds problems. However, I take peace in knowing that I won't...But that doesn't mean I can't try to understand them. The difference between solving problems and understanding them is that people will always change, as predictable humans can be, in the same manner we can be just as unpredictable. And because of that it is impossible to solve the worlds problems. All we can do is try our hardest to understand them, to figure out why they happen, and what causes people to do certain things. Its so easy to be consumed by our thoughts and how we feel, but what I've started to realize is that I will always be broken...Some wounds will never heal. And I can't control that, but what I can control is how I affect those wounds to influence my life. We can always find reasons to act broken, battered, and bruised. But if that's how we act, then all we will ever do is break, batter, and bruise.

Seeing who we are

I always wonder how the pieces fit into the puzzle, how does everything come together? Everything happens for a reason even though we don't always know what those reasons are. I've realized that I have tried to control everything single thing that goes on in my life, and because of that I have been miserable. I'm starting to understand what is worth controlling, and what is worth letting go. Life is horrible enough that we don't need to add to it. We can't control what happens to us, but we can control how we handle those situations. Whether we will let them eat away at us until we self destruct, or whether we will let them go and choose to fight another day. When we decide to not allow things to bother us it isn't us rolling over and giving up, it is us being smart enough to know when its appropriate to fight, and what is worth fighting for. Many times all we need is someone to listen, someone willing to hear us out and not try to tell us what to do. Our inability to get things out and communicate with other people allows those things to fester...to grow, and grow they do. Until they consume us and they rule our thoughts. In doing that we allow our lives to be destroyed by some of the simplest things. I will never understand why I do these things, all I know is that it is my responsibility to uphold safeguards and checks in my life that will help me recognize when I begin to do those things.

As much as it sucks at the time, we usually must hit rock bottom in order to find out who we really are, what we are made of, and what we really want. Because, until everything is stripped away, all of the distractions and  disruptions we will never see who we really are. Until we take ourselves to that place where it is just us and God, we won't be able to truly evaluate ourselves.
My relationship with my Savior hasn't always been perfect, and I know that it never will be, but in times of doubt or confusion I think back to my lonely nights in boot camp, where my Drill Instructors stripped away every individual characteristic that identified me, and all that was left was me and my God. In those 13 weeks I was able to look out and evaluate who I was, and who I wanted to be. It put me in a place where there were no distractions...It was only  me and God, and I was broken. Of all the things I expected to carry with me out of boot camp a stronger relationship with my Lord was the last thing I anticipated.

I don't know what my future holds, but I know that Christ will never leave me nor forsake me, and I know that as long as I'm living in his word, than I am living in his will. I've never been so excited in my life about starting new things, a new job, new friends, new relationships, however, sometimes change is good, and anytime change was good, it most likely means it was necessary.

Wounds heal and mistakes are learned from.

I know that I've said this a lot, but mistakes are always there for us to learn from. Recently I've had a hard time accepting and understanding that. It truly is hard to comprehend something that we can't see. But we have to take it step by step, word by word, chapter by chapter, decision by decision. To many times we try to jump all in, and in doing that we drown ourselves and sink to the bottom. I got to the point in my life where I began to resent things around me, because of the people I was around...and worse than that I was causing them to do the same thing. In doing so I brought to life that old adage, "misery loves company." It wasn't something that was done on purpose, or something that was intentional. Unfortunately it just happened, and before anyone saw it, or felt it, it was spiraling out of control. The consequences for these things, for the decisions we make will live on for forever, but that doesn't mean its the end of the world. There are things that will never change, we will always question God. We will always want to know the who, what, when, where, how, and why. But sometimes, we have to go through the struggle all of those things before we can get to the why. Sadly for us, that entails the pain, the hurt, the regret, and the sorrow. Yet, fortunately for us we are blessed with the opportunity to trade those things in for something real. For something genuine. From the outside looking in it is always easier to justify the bruises and the wounds, and hindsight will always be 20/20. However, here is where we begin to make those small decisions, and take those small steps. It's hard to forgive, partially because we want justification against the people who have hurt us, but also because it is a way for us to control our lives. And by letting go of that burden, we allow our "control" to slip even more. But if we can never forgive, we can never move on. Forgiveness doesn't mean we admit someone else is right, it doesn't mean that they are no longer responsible for what they've done, it simply means that we have recognized that only God can judge them for what they have done, and that when we look at them we will be able to see who they are, not what they have done to us. Today we live in a world that encourages revenge, and justifies expressing our feelings despite how they will affect those around us. We've been taught to care nothing about someone else's feelings, but to expect them to care everything about ours. There are many things that I have done in my life that I wish I hadn't. There are many decisions I've made that have affected and hurt people around me that I care about. However, I know that all of those decisions, all of those mistakes have made me who I am today. I also know that for the rest of my life I will continue to make decisions like that, and because of that I realize that I will always find myself standing in the ruins of mistakes I have made. For now they might be small, they might be things that I can move on from, but knowing that there are mistakes out there that I can make that I won't be able to come back from make me realize all the more that I am only saved by God's grace. This year I have been given the greatest gift of all. I've been given the knowledge of a Savior that will forgive me for every mistake I make, today, tomorrow, and for eternity. Will it take me a while to get to that point where I make fewer mistakes, to the place in my life where I can fully let go and trust him to control my life? Yes. But I find peace right now in knowing that no matter what I do, he will never leave me.

2013 has been an interesting year. It has carried many hardships, lots of tears, some blood, a lot of sore muscles, and some very hard and hurtful lessons. But it has taught me that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to, and that I have people in my life that care about me that I can count on no matter what. Merry Christmas everyone, and Semper Fi.

I had to stay.

There are so many people that I want to tell to go to hell. So many people that I wish I could put in their place, make them understand exactly what they've done, and prove to them that they are wrong. But I guess that isn't my job to do, but it doesn't change the fact that I don't understand any of this. What is the point? What is the point in trying anything if I can't find joy in it? Everything is so predictable its sickening. Would it even be that good to wait? To search it out, does it really exist? Something different, something special, something worth all of the risk? I want it to be real, I want to dream and believe and I want to chase those dreams, but can they even come true? How far would I have to search, where would I have to go? Things would be so much easier if I didn't want the answer for everything. But how can we go on...How can we continue on like this, with all of the pain, all of the heartache. How can people continue to live, or even have the hope to live? All we ever want are the answers, and many of them we will never find, but does that mean that we just give up looking. Does that mean that we let it all go? Time and time again I've poured myself into things and people, I've given it everything I had to give, and time and time again I'm left alone, empty handed. Simply a shell of who I used to be. I don't know where to go, or what to do. Am I lost? Or am I just afraid? If I cried out, would anyone hear me? Would anyone help me?

What will you do the second time around?

How many times are we given a second chance? How many times can we give out second chances? Is there a difference between mercy and second chances? No one deserves either, or both. So why should we take or accept something that we don't deserve? Will I ever figure this stuff out? Will I ever know...Or will I ever at least have someone that will understand what I'm trying to say? Or why I think the way I do?
I don't want to solve life's problems...But they trouble me. They haunt me. These things that run around in my mind never rest, they never stop. The tragedies, horrors of life, overwhelm the positives...The miracles. I wish I could forget about them, and let them go, but someday I know they will be the one thing that differentiates me from everyone else, they will be the one thing that allows me to survive when no one else can. Sometimes we have to stand up, we have to rise above everything that is happening around us, we have to be resilient. When everything around us comes crashing down we must be able to stand strong, to stand firm. Who are we if we can't stand for ourselves...? Then we are nothing. We cannot allow ourselves to be rendered powerless by our inability to remain firm and resolved. Its rather simple really, its just a matter of knowing what you believe, and standing by it no matter what. It won't be easy, and many times you will find yourself alone. But the beauty in it is that you will know who you are, you will be confident in the decisions that you make. You will feel strong, empowered, and from then on you will be encouraged to do what you know is the right thing. Because from ashes we can only rise, and that's what we must do. Rise and rise again. Mistakes are only to be learned from, they are only opportunities to arm ourselves with more powerful weapons, with wisdom that can carry us forward for eternity. But if we don't learn from the mistakes we make, if we don't accept the hard lessons, if we allow our weaknesses to perpetrate who we are and what we do then we will find ourselves surrounded, yet we will be alone. We will realize that we have fallen for everything, because we stood for nothing. These are the things that we must to do be resilient, these are the things that we must do to stand firm, tall, proud. In doing these things we allow ourselves to be beacons, glimpses, shimmers of hope. We will not allow ourselves to be drug down by those around us, we will not be tricked into thinking that we are powerless. Our actions matter, our voice matters...And one day they will hear us, they will see us.

Going home

Everyone wants to go home...everyone searches for home, some find it, but some of us spend forever searching for that place to call home. That place that feels comfortable, safe, and peaceful. For some people that could be anywhere, any  place that allows them to be themselves, to fully express who they are, and most importantly who they want to be. Its a magical thing watching people grow, change, and adapt to the things that life throws at us. Many of my friends would say that God is in complete control and that everything happens for a reason, and just to trust him. I know that everything happens for a reason, there is no such thing a coincidence, but what is the point of all of us? In life we do so many things simply because other people do them, or because they are "cool". No one can just be themselves anymore, we all spend countless hours searching for our identity in someone else or something else. Instead of allowing who we are to identify us, we have  to be controlled by something else or someone else. So I'll ask you now, can you stand up for yourself? Can you find your identity in something other than someone...or something. Can you find your identity in who YOU are. Can you break free of all of this nonsense, of all of this mediocre sadness, all of this royal pathetic-ism??? Who will you be? What will you allow to define you. Can you stand up for what you want, for what you believe?! So many times we sit back, we allow ourselves to be controlled by our situation, or the people that screw us over. We cant allow the negativity in our lives to define who we are or what we want. So will this be you going home? Will you allow home to be where you are? Home isn't where we want to be, or where we are going... Home is where we are right now, in this very moment, because in an instant this can all change, and home will be gone. We have to fight for what we want and for who we are.