Finding a Way Back.

We all say we won't get to that point, we all make promises to ourselves assuring us that whatever it is we won't allow it to change us or make us any different. But still, no matter how hard we fight, no matter how tough we battle, we change, as time goes by, we become different.

I sat alone, it was becoming quite a regularity these days. Not necessarily the alone lonely type sitting, but more of the alone contemplating sitting. I was searching my mind for something, something that was lost, some sort of answer or explanation. I was searching for that part of me that had ever so slowly withered away. I almost couldn't remember what it was actually like. After all of the I love you's, all of the promises, all of the little pieces of my heart that I had given away here I was...struggling to remember what it was in the first place that inspired me, gave me strength, faith, and courage to even do those things in the first place.

I've reached a point where I can't tell if I don't trust other people or if I simply don't trust myself. I know exactly what I did to get to this place, but I just don't know how to get back. The easy way is to not try and figure out how to go back, the easy way is to just try and pickup where you left off and go with what you have. But I'm not sure anymore if that is the best way, and I know that if I keep taking the easy way out then I won't be able to handle any type of hardship.

I'm so locked in to what I'm used to that I don't want to step out. I don't want to try anything knew because of what it could do to me. I don't want to trust anyone else because of how they could hurt me. I don't know what to expect. The worst part about all of this is that I can picture it in my mind. I know exactly what I used to be like, I know exactly how I've changed, and I want nothing more than to take those areas of my mind and heart back to those places that they were before, to those times when I wasn't afraid to do something thoughtful or sweet, where I wasn't always worried about getting hurt.