The Four

"Not one, not two, not three, but four.
They rose above, their names were forevermore.
Powerful, majestic, and glorious.
They rose, they flew, with furious wings they flew.
He called them out, not one, not two, not three, but four.
The trumpet sounded, their names forevermore.

A midst the darkness their wings carried them.
Furious, glorious.
The trumpet was their signal, but death was their calling.
It summoned them up, on their wings, oh so furious.
And as they rose, their wings of flame, he spoke out, and called their name.
Not one, not two, not three, but four, the Creator called them, forevermore.
Their time had come, to enact his judgement.
So here they stood, powerful, majestic, and glorious.

To the earth they went, their wings of fury flying high.
Death had called them, demanding its price.
So here they descended, on their wings of fury, they fell from the sky.
And those below, beheld them all.
As the powerful four, answered his call.
To judgement, to judgment, it rang in their ears.
With the death that they brought, the sentencing done.
And tears were shed, for what couldn't be undone.

As quick as they rose, just like that they were gone.
Not one, not two, not three, but four.
We whispered their names forevermore.
The judgment was passed, their duty was done.
Until they would be called again, by the only son."

Letting go

I struggled to keep my eyes open, at this point at night even the soreness that cursed through my body wasn't keeping me awake, and neither was the constant nagging and yelling from the front post. I had gotten used to it, the banging on the armory, and the yelling. Some nights it would even make me laugh, almost as comic relief, depending upon which recruit was standing front post. It was always the worst position to have during fire watch, you were the lookout, and the messenger, and not killing the messenger wasn't something drill instructors believed in. I crossed my legs as I lay in my rack, a ritual I did every night. I don't know if it was to keep warm, or maybe if it was just for comfort. I always looked forward to those minutes right after TAPS, and right between total exhaustion taking over my body. It was the one time during our long days that I was allowed to relish in my own thoughts, a time when I could reminisce about home, let my guard down for a little while, and dream about what I would do with my freedom when I was finally done. It was in those moments that I truly began to understand what it was like to be alone with my thoughts. Never before in my life had I been so stripped of my identity, of everything that I thought I knew, and everything I thought I believed, because there, the only thing I believed was that God was real...and the only thing I knew, was that graduation was the fastest place out of that hell they called the 'depot'. In those moments at night, with the bittersweet notes of TAPS setting the mood, I would lay in bed and pray. I'd pray for myself, my fellow recruits, my girlfriend at the time, my family, friends, basically anything that crossed my mine. And right before I fell asleep I'd take myself to one of the sweetest moments I could remember, a time with my siblings, a time with my girlfriend, or a time with good friends. More often or not the girlfriend won out, simply because those memories at the time were the ones that made me the happiest. You see, it was in those moments, right before I fell asleep, in those prayers, that I found myself closer to God than I had ever been in my entire life. It was when I found myself in an environment where everything I believed was torn away from me, where everything I had been taught was stripped clean, and I was starting anew.

But, of course, over time I walked away from that closeness. It was a mixture of my invincibility mindset as a Marine, and tests and trials by the one and only. I never for once doubted my belief in God, but I definitely started putting more faith in my own control over my life versus his. Slowly but surely I started hardening my heart. I quit praying, quit going to church, and I quit doing all of the small things that fed my spiritual life. Why? Simply because I wanted to get back at the people who had hurt me, and naturally, because those people represented an area of Christianity that I didn't agree with, I made the ignorant decision of sacrificing my relationship with Christ for revenge, retribution, and retaliation. In a way I was trying to say that they wouldn't control my life, so I acted out, but in doing so I let them control my life anyways, simply because I thought I was right, and I wanted oh so desperately to be right. Life is brutal in the fact that history always repeats itself, but its humiliating in the fact that we allow it to run its course. It is the pure definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. 

I wish I could say that I have never been in this situation before, and in a few ways I have not, but in several ways I have. The thing that makes it the worst is that fact that I can sit back and see the progression, as things went from good, to bad, to worse, and then even worse. I have always taken pride in having an answer for everything, even if it wasn't the right answer, I could always come up with some sort of solution. I don't know if this was because I've always been a decisive person, or maybe because of the way I view my relationship with God, or just my overall confidence in myself. Either way, I suddenly found myself in a situation where I had no answers, no confidence, and my heart was so broken and hardened, that I refused to grant the one person access to it that could heal it, and make it whole again. During those many moments of boot camp and infantry school, when I truly discovered what I was made of and everything I am capable of, I learned more about myself and my relationship with God, then I have ever learned anywhere else. I didn't learn this through church, I didn't learn it through scripture memory, or constant bible reading, or praise and worship services. I learned in through the two utmost things that Christ came to earth to teach us; service, and sacrifice.

I'm still angry, so very angry, and I have so many questions that I know will probably never be answered, and so many things that I will probably never get an explanation for. So everyday as I try and move forward, as I try and sleep in the bed that I made so to speak, I push those questions from my mind, I bury that anger, and I ever so slowly try and let it go and let God. It really doesn't amaze me that somehow God always finds a way to come back into the center of my life, and rightly it shouldn't. I guess I've held out for so long because I've been angry. I've been angry towards the people who wronged me, who hurt me, and who betrayed me, and once again I allowed those feelings to dictate what I thought, how I acted, and what I did. But I don't know... I don't know why I can't let all of this go. I don't know why its such a big deal, why I'm still holding on. Everyday it haunts me, and everyday I question myself, and I don't know if that's because it was the wrong choice, or if that's just part of the process. 

Who is death?

I put one foot in front of the other, slowly but surely, they were determined. If you could have seen behind the concealment of my pant legs you would have seen my trembling knees. I was barely maintaining my balance. My eyes made evident that it had been a moving service, most everyone could understand the feelings behind the tears, even though they didn't know for who they cried, they still flowed. I couldn't make sense of the feelings. I couldn't understand the senseless deaths, and the loss of such innocent people. Yet there stood the reaper, ever present, haunting the shadows, waiting to steal someone away from us. He always managed to steal the good one's, someone how his fiery eyes always found the ones that mattered most. And once they were in his sinister grip they were lost forevermore, never to return. Most people can't see him...But I do. I see him in every corner, in every room. He lurks, waiting to snatch life away. Waiting to suck what little hope we have left, waiting to snuff out what little light remains in our lives. However, sometimes I think he almost does us a service. We truly never know what we have until its gone, and sometimes in those moments of loss, of sorrow, we are allowed to see things for how genuine they are. The tears of a child having lost a father, the wails of a mother who's lost a son, and the silent breaking heart of the husband who's lost a wife. In those moments we are allowed to see a part of life that is pure, that is vulnerable, and that is honest. At that instance, nothing else matters. Nothing else remains, except the brutality of it all. And there we are left, the yearning for our lost ones still in our heart, and the confusion still  in our mind. 

What is beautiful?

Beauty in life isn't defined by looks, it isn't owned only by colors, or attraction, or wonder. Sometimes the most beautiful things that life has to offer are moments. A child's first words, the stellar performance of an ice skating couple at the Olympics that brings together years of hard work and dedication, the smile of a hero who sacrificed their life for someone else, or the innocence found in a child's eyes. Beauty in life is found within passion, the desire to work so hard for something that you have nothing left to give. Beauty is found in those moments when we are empty...when we have laid it on the line, put ourselves out there, in an attempt to prove something. Sometimes to prove someone wrong, and sometimes to prove someone right. Unfortunately not everyone has the opportunity to experience that beauty. You see, not everyone has those moments where they work so hard for something that they know they have earned it. Not everyone knows that feeling of personal pride when they've give everything that they have to give. For me, my life has been laced with those moments. Not because I'm special, or better than anyone else, but because that's how I was taught. I was taught to give everything in all that I do, or to give nothing. For me, there is no middle ground. A wise man once said, "greater love hath no man then this, that he lay down his life for his friends." These moments of beauty, can be found nowhere so purely as in the selflessness of one human for another. Whether in war, or in peace, the most beautiful moments we will ever experience, witness, or participate in, involve that act of sacrificing something for someone else.  I don't know what it is within us that makes us willing to sacrifice. From the warrior on the battlefield, to the first-responder on the home front, to the random stranger, the father, mother, brother, and sister. There is something in our human nature that allows us to forgo our own sense and need for survival in order to preserve the life of someone else. I would trade everything in this world to be able to witness these moments, and lucky for us they aren't as few and far between as one might expect...these moments of sheer beauty happen daily, and when witnessed they are something to dwell on, something to cherish, and something to treasure. Because in those times, in those struggles when we doubt everything around us, when we question who we are, and what we are doing, it is those moments that will propel us forward and remind us what our purpose is, and why we are here. In a world that is torn by hate, and manipulated by corruption, our only shining light is our ability and determination to not allow these moments of beauty to be snuffed out, hidden, or erased. The moments of beauty are what make life special, they are what make life worth living, trials worth surviving, and wrongs worth forgiving. I think of beauty not as something that we see, but more of something that we create, with our thoughts, our words, and our actions. Beauty isn't always perfect, it isn't always happy, but it is always pure, and it is always selfless.

We are trying to be purposeful, in a purposeless world.

It took me a moment to fully regain my senses, the lights were completely out, and I could just barely see the blinking glow from the clock on the stove. I reached for my phone and switched on my flashlight app, everything was were I had left it, scattered about, but organized. I got to my feet and stumbled to my room. I threw the blankets aside and crawled in bed, savoring the feeling of my cool pillow. Within moments I was out, asleep, my mind in a completely different place.
I could see it moving closer, the lighting was dim, but there was no mistaking the glow from the moon. I could see it all around me, the moon, the sun, the stars, it was as if the whole universe was spinning around me, and I could see it all. None of it made sense though, it didn't add up. I knew I was dreaming... but what did all of this mean? And just like that everything changed, and I saw myself standing in a snow covered forest. I was alone, snow was falling lightly among the pine trees. I watched as I stumbled along, not really going anywhere, just wondering back and forth. I had this look in my eyes, a look of, almost, confusion, mixed with shock. The snow stuck to my hair and face, but I paid it no mind. I watched perplexed as I continued to just wonder around, practically in circles, and before I could grasp the situation the images changed once again. The scream jolted my mind, and I thought for sure that it would wake me up, but unfortunately it did not. It just continued, getting louder and louder and louder. I couldn't see it yet, I could just hear it as it raped my ears, and tore at my mind. I forced myself awake, I could barely handle being awake, much less anymore nightmares. I never thought I would find myself at a place in my life where I didn't know what to do, or even what to say. But now I'm sitting here not knowing what to think, not knowing what to believe, or if its even worth believing anymore. I'm tired, I'm stressed, and I have no idea who I can trust. I look around everyday and I see life. I see pain, I see happiness, I see anger, I see hurt, I see routines, and I see all the things in life that are just...blah. All of these things raise the questions in my mind of what is the point in all of this? What is the reason, or is there even one? Life seems so pointless and almost purposeless.